Things I've seen and done

I have done a plethora of new things in Texas; some of them have been particularly Texan, some particular to the American college experience and all of them hilarious.

Dip

Dip or chewing tobacco is categorically the most disgusting thing I've done here. Firstly, you look like an inbred with a grotesque chin tumour retaining the benefit of having a literal shit eating grin. Secondly, if you end up swallowing the thick brown sludge, you will vomit. Dip does not take any prisoners.

Moonshine

I've got a bottle of the proper stuff back in my truck, proposed the hillbilly.

No, this was not the opening scene to a Texan remake of deliverance. This was a casual Friday night at the the Sigma Chi frat house.

For something brewed in some random redneck's uncle's garage ( known locally as a carhole) and teetering dangerously close to 100%abv, it didn't taste too bad. I remeber very little of the night post homebrew consumption

The best mode of transport ever

There are some contraptions in this world that make you stop and think Why the hell didn't I think of that first. I'm talking about things like the zip, or maybe this shoe.

Well today I saw someone riding the grandaddy of ridiculous (and red neck) contraptions. Behold the beer cooler scooter:



I saw this thing going a steady four miles an hour DOWN A MAIN ROAD, DURING THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. He then preceded to get his drunk ass pulled over by the cops. I simply cannot make this shit up.

It's like Jerry Garcia in a pouch, man.

Wow, what a week.

I will remember this week for a very long time, maybe my entire life. It was the week that I finally went to a full on, backwards cap, polo shirt wearing MOTHERFUCKING FRAT PARTY. At first, I didn't think I could handle it. The red cups, the bellowing, the relentless beer chugging. I thought I was about to do a fucking scanners. A fucking scanners, man.

But I was no loose cannon. I pulled it back and pounded enough Keystone light to make even the the most weathered Chad, Brad, or Cody feel inadequate. And as I couldn't possibly do this level of funny justice, I took my camera along.

Class

I won't regale you lot with my classes (they are all pretty much awesome) except for one; creative writing.

The professor struts and bobs into the room. Shit he looks familiar. Then it hits me; he looks identical to 60 year old Jerry Garcia. Things were about to get ridiculous.

Rocks and Islands, man.

I'm deadly serious, we started off with a discussion of the usage of metaphor in various 70s rock songs.

I am a rock, I am an island he proclaimed, quoting a famous Simon and Garfunkel song.
"
Wouldn't it be awesome if they played the song dressed like a rock and an island?" mused the professor, laughing at his own statement for the best part of twenty seconds. No one else laughed.

My god I thought, this man has consumed more drugs in his life time then all of the children's T.V presenters of the 40 years put together. And then some more.