To put this into some sort of perspective, the shady motel that we stayed at in Lubbock- a place that has the honour of having the highest gonorrhea and chlamydia infection rate in the country FOR TEN YEARS STRAIGHT - was better.
We were greeted by a a chalk outline of a person at the bottom of a small flight of stairs akin to the murder scene from a film noire. The outline, with its bloated limbs and head looked as if it had been booted off the top step and landed flat on its face. Odd, but relatively harmless I thought.
Looks as if Joseph Merrick's long lost great grandson fell down a flight of stairs
We were on the bottom floor. As I dragged our case of beer from the car I noticed that all of the handles had been broken off the room's doors. Our roof seemed fine enough except for the smell- a mixture of sweat and week old wet towel.
Little Friends
The real fun started when we noticed something crawling across our sheets. After seeing something small and squishing it and having it ooze human blood, it hit me that we had bed bugs. A quick check under the mattress revealed a small infestation of the fuckers. Bed bugs? I thought they only existed in third world shit-holes and cheap package holidays to a'Spaiyn [sic].
We told the woman at the front desk, who moved us to a different room. The look on her face seemed to say "aw fuck, not again'. Sadly the new room was devoid of our little friends. However, it contained a smorgasbord of new 'treats'.
Trucker Love
The first treasure the room held was a series of white stains on the bed's brown blanket. Madison at this point informs me that the motel isn't required to wash the blankets in between customers. It seemed that the only thing standing between me and a night in Billy-Jo's love juice was a well informed American. Confirming my trucker-prostitute scenario, was a large toothpick (especially large for gap-tooths I presume) to the left of the bed.
Family Friendly
'Do you and your family want something juicy and delicious to eat? Well here at the North austin Plaza Hotel, we highly recommend Bikini's Sports Bar & Grill-where tits, fried chicken, tits, tits, burgers and tits meet! So much so, Bikini's tit adorned menu will be the only menu in your room!
[Side note]- Bikini's hilariously describes itself as the 'the fastest growing sports bar and grill concept' - like having half naked women serving food and beers is some sort of new glorious new enlightenment. Furthermore, on the about us section of their website the founder Doug describes his moment of clarity:
While sitting at a bar on the Australian coast... an attractive server approached and asked, 'wanna beer mate?'. At that moment, all Doug could do was smile. Life suddenly made sense to him. He thought to himself, 'This is a nearly perfect combination: relaxing, drinking, sports, girls..."
Holy shit! Doug's experience of Australian tits and beer were nothing less than a religious experience. Move out of the way clothed, unattractive waiting staff of the geocentric world- Party Copernicus is here with tits and beer!
Pictured: party.
Until next time......
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