Well, it's been a while. No, its not because I've been lynched, tarred and feathered and left to roast in the baking sun; but rather the "O" key on my keyboard is broken and I have had a metric fuck-tonne of work to do. Oh yeah, and I went to the new Dallas Cowboys staduim, which effectively shat upon all other stadii I have ever visited. More of this later.

Firstly, I have to report something a saw posted on numerous walls in the library; R-word awareness week.

What retarded photoshop skills

Yes that's right, it is indeed a campaign to erase the word retarded from our vocabulary. What a ridiculous idea; I am already fully aware of retards. Ok, that was a cheap joke; but this campaign bothered me on deeper levels. For starters, the whole campaign just reeked of trivialization and patronization of the disabled. I mean, why spend large amounts of time raising awareness of a term people already know as being mildly offensive (hence its use as an insult) when you could actually be working with and for the disabled through charities and such?

Philosophy aside, their site - http://therword.org/ is full of unintentional hilarity. The first paragraph sets a scene where two guys in Walmart were overheard saying “I don’t know why they let people like that live.” on the subject of a disabled 8 year old. Well, what where they expecting? This was in WALMART for christsakes, where the average patron has at least two teeth missing and a brain swiss cheesed from too much moonshine.

They then go on to badly miss the satire in Tropic Thunder, compare the usage of the word to the Holocaust and lynchings and then, finally, to play their trump card... MENTALLY DISABLED BAREKNUCKLE BOXING IN NONE OTHER THAN TEXAS. At that point, my mind just gave up and I laughed at the absudtity of a good ol' organzied 'tard fight.

Also, It's funny that the R-Word movement would gather momentum particularly in Texas, a state which has no trouble whatsover in executing them! /end cheap jokes.

The mighty Aggies play at the Cowboy Stadium

Yes, I went to go watch A&M get completely dismantled by the inbreds of Arkansas at the brand new Cowboys Stadium. Let me start by saying that tailgating (pregame drinking and bbq) is always fun. Yet some people take tailgating to new levels- one group had an entire pig smoking on some ridiculous contraption.

It also must be noted that only in America could the worlds largest HD T.V be put in a sporting arena in such a way that most people are watching it, rather than the live action happening down on the field. Don't believe me? Look for yourselves;

Things I've seen and done

I have done a plethora of new things in Texas; some of them have been particularly Texan, some particular to the American college experience and all of them hilarious.

Dip

Dip or chewing tobacco is categorically the most disgusting thing I've done here. Firstly, you look like an inbred with a grotesque chin tumour retaining the benefit of having a literal shit eating grin. Secondly, if you end up swallowing the thick brown sludge, you will vomit. Dip does not take any prisoners.

Moonshine

I've got a bottle of the proper stuff back in my truck, proposed the hillbilly.

No, this was not the opening scene to a Texan remake of deliverance. This was a casual Friday night at the the Sigma Chi frat house.

For something brewed in some random redneck's uncle's garage ( known locally as a carhole) and teetering dangerously close to 100%abv, it didn't taste too bad. I remeber very little of the night post homebrew consumption

The best mode of transport ever

There are some contraptions in this world that make you stop and think Why the hell didn't I think of that first. I'm talking about things like the zip, or maybe this shoe.

Well today I saw someone riding the grandaddy of ridiculous (and red neck) contraptions. Behold the beer cooler scooter:



I saw this thing going a steady four miles an hour DOWN A MAIN ROAD, DURING THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. He then preceded to get his drunk ass pulled over by the cops. I simply cannot make this shit up.

It's like Jerry Garcia in a pouch, man.

Wow, what a week.

I will remember this week for a very long time, maybe my entire life. It was the week that I finally went to a full on, backwards cap, polo shirt wearing MOTHERFUCKING FRAT PARTY. At first, I didn't think I could handle it. The red cups, the bellowing, the relentless beer chugging. I thought I was about to do a fucking scanners. A fucking scanners, man.

But I was no loose cannon. I pulled it back and pounded enough Keystone light to make even the the most weathered Chad, Brad, or Cody feel inadequate. And as I couldn't possibly do this level of funny justice, I took my camera along.

Class

I won't regale you lot with my classes (they are all pretty much awesome) except for one; creative writing.

The professor struts and bobs into the room. Shit he looks familiar. Then it hits me; he looks identical to 60 year old Jerry Garcia. Things were about to get ridiculous.

Rocks and Islands, man.

I'm deadly serious, we started off with a discussion of the usage of metaphor in various 70s rock songs.

I am a rock, I am an island he proclaimed, quoting a famous Simon and Garfunkel song.
"
Wouldn't it be awesome if they played the song dressed like a rock and an island?" mused the professor, laughing at his own statement for the best part of twenty seconds. No one else laughed.

My god I thought, this man has consumed more drugs in his life time then all of the children's T.V presenters of the 40 years put together. And then some more.

People say the darndest things.

There's nothing better than laughing at someone when they've just said something ridiculously moronic. Well actually, maybe midgets; they really tickle me pink. Being surrounded by freshmen, I have had to laugh internally on many occasions.

Here is a sample of some of the conversations that I have had over the last week:

girl, on seeing my guitar: Hey, so do play guitar?
me: No, It's actually just for show.
her: oh...

What I really should have said was No, I actually only use to to appear cool and thus to lure girls into my sex den. After I lure them to said sex den, I tend to use duct tape to subdue them and then hide them in a closet for a week. After a week, they tend to smell so I throw them out.

In a similar vein, this conversation transpired with a girl on full academic scholarship.

Her: Wow, you guys have British accents. Are you from Britain?
me: No, actually I'm from the Sudan. Salaam aleikum

But my favourite exchange actually came from two of my English buddies. I will let them remain nameless to hide their shame.

Guy: It's funny that so many people speak Mexican around here.
me: Speak Mexican? Don't you mean Spanish?
girl: WHAT? They speak Spanish in Mexico?!

At that point, my palm hit my forehead with enough force to split the atom.


But I too have not been immune from the tomfoolery bug, as shown by what I wrote on somebody's white board down my corridor:

Texas Does Camp.

I am currently holed up in my room, trying to avoid the melanoma machine that is the Texan sun. The dorms are pretty lively today as freshmen have started dumping off their stuff on route to Fish camp. Fish camp, although sounding like a a prison primer course, is actually an indoctrination camp aimed at filling (heh, another prison rape innuendo under my belt) freshmen with the Aggie spirit.

Anyway before becoming an afternoon recluse, I had a wonder around campus and came across the campiest statue I have ever seen:



What we have here is supposed to be a testament to the integrity of the engineering department, but in reality, we have a man in an open flowing top wrangling a large pole. The reasons for such wrangling are currently unknown.

School Spirit; Dead dogs and Cowboy Orgies.

I can understand that some schools have traditions, but here at good ol' Texas A&M these traditions often border on the weird, the absurd or the downright creepy. Without further adeau, here are the two oddest traditions that I have heard of as of yet:

The Midnight Yell.

Before the game with the University of Texas, the biggest game of the year, over 20,000 students congregate in the stadium and participate in a group yell. This on its own doesn't seem very strange at all. But this is fucking TEXAS, and more specifically this is TEXAS A&M- of course it gets weirder. Firstly, everyone is instructed to "hump it". You have to literally bend over and scream, a practice also taken up by the friendly population of the Texas State Penitentiary. To ramp up the absurdity even further, all the lights in the stadium are turned off and everyone makes out. Now to me, the gathering of coeds with the pretence of making out in the dark can only lead to three eventual outcomes:

1. Orgy.
2. hot cowboy man love.
3. random acts of violence (my personal favourite, which is probably a good indication of why I'm still single/ Not a gay cowboy.)

The Midnight Yell... probably.

Reveille, the Texas A&M Mascot.

Reveille is the pride and glory of Texas A&M. The full bred American Collie even holds the rank of a Five Star General in the cadet corps and must be referred to as Ma'am by all. It then comes as no surprise then that I got weird looks from my Residential Advisor when I posed the hypothetical question Would I get lynched if I rolled up and punted Reveille in the face? The answer was an unconvincing no by the way.

The idea of having a mascot is pretty cool, but as this is Texas A&M it gets way weirder. Up until only recently, a cadet would have to be stationed in the cememetry where all the the previous Reveilles are buried. He would then have to read out the football scores to the dead dogs. That is pet cemetery level insanity. What do they expect is going to happen, a zombie paw breaking the earth's surface in celebration? A muffled undead bark-moan?

Regardless, these absurd traditions really help to create a unique school spirit that even the most cynical redcoat can get behind.


EDIT: The Texas A&M merchandise is completely ridiculous and awesome. I don't want to ruin any suprises, but you guys back at home are going to get some pretty cool shit come christmas time.

First encounters - Lessons on rape avoidal and tumbleweeds.

Well as this is my first post on this here shiny new blog, I should probably attempt to answer why the hell am I writing a blog about the experiences of a simple Londoner in the Lone Star State? Well admittedly, I'm doing to keep my family and friends updated on my life over here. But also, I believe the quirks and hilarity (some of it intentional, most of it not) of this unique and charming land need to be shared by a complete outsider. Just watch some old King of the hill episodes, and you will see what I mean.

And So it Begins...

I have now been in Texas for exactly a day, and yet so much funny has already happened. It really started in the airport, where the legions of moustachioed Texans started to become irate over the ridiculously long passport control cue. over my shoulder I heard this gem from an elderly gentleman:

I can't remember anything as bad as that passport control. Actually maybe 'nam. And definitely when I got married, but that was over 30 years ago

Holy shit, genuine 'nam jokes before I even legally entered the county? Awesome.

On my full first day day, I had to go to the international student orientation. Already tired from jetlag and a mystery steam train waking me up at 4,5 and 7am (I don't know what the fuck that is about either), I had to deal with the orientation, which by all accounts was a real shitfest. My god, it was one of those long informing type lectures that had me wanting to kick babies in the face after only 30 minutes. The entire process went on for FIVE hours.
Admittely, some genuine hilarity did come from a lecture given by a little police officer whose name escapes me. It was something Mexicanish. Anyway, she lamented about the effectiveness of using "howdy!" as a deterrent to possible rapists. What the fuck? If I was (hypothetically) going to rape somebody, a quick hello would not force me to flee. In fact it would seem like a sort of open invitation. Sorry, I digress...

She then went on to say that you should note that certain features on individuals can be regarded as suspicious. She actually claimed that moustaches and beards made men potentially dangerous. I bet Burt Reynolds would have something to say about that.

Burt Reynolds, potential rapist.

The other thing that bares a quick mention is the fact that fellow Englishman Tom and I, have yet to find anything to eat except for ridiculous fast-food. Seriously, we walked for four hours today and the healthiest place we could find was a Subway.

Diabetic coma and anginas, here I come.



P.S. I saw a real-life-honest-to-fucking-god tumble weed today. Most triumphant.